


Say sorry with a song

by ColorblindCity



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, M/M, also i'm giving kurt all the solos i know the show is never going to give him, kurt is saying sorry with a bunch of songs because emma's pamphlets never lie, my dream season 6, s6 au, season 6
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-01
Updated: 2015-02-12
Packaged: 2018-03-09 22:57:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3267476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ColorblindCity/pseuds/ColorblindCity
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt standing outside Blaine and Karofsky's apartment with a boombox and cheesy 80's songs. Or, in which Kurt actually tries to get Blaine back (and gives himself a bunch of solos in the process).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All out of Love

**Author's Note:**

> s6 is making me confused but all I know is this isn't how i wanted things to go, so here's my dream version where Kurt doesnt just step aside and let Blaine forget him. Also, all my dream songs for Kurt to sing.
> 
> (i do have plans of making this multi-chapter but i'm not sure what i'm doing yet) (also i dont have a beta so excuse the multiple typos)
> 
> Also, please try and listen to the songs as they come up, it's the main reason i wanted to write this.

Blaine lies in his and Dave’s bed, lights off and curtains closed so he doesn't have to endure the glare of the rainbow comforter (and why exactly haven’t they gotten rid of this thing? A trip to Bed, Bath & Beyond is overdue) and tries to force himself to like this country song that he’s listening to on Dave’s IPod.

Their two month anniversary is just around the corner and Blaine has never sung anything to him, which is just unacceptable. If he’s using Dave to try and forget his ex-fiancé, then the least Dave deserves is Blaine giving it his all, grand romantic gestures included.

Problem is, his and Dave’s music tastes are completely incompatible. There is just not one song they both like that is not dance club exclusive. _Well, at least we can still go dancing together._

Blaine tries not to throw the IPod across the room because who listens to this shit, honestly? He is honestly trying, he is, but Dave’s taste is awful and why is he even surprised? The guy can’t even carry a tune, Blaine actually has to leave the apartment whenever Dave showers because he can’t _stand_ his singing.

They don’t even have a song. That’s the saddest part. He and Kurt had a song literally s _econds_ after just meeting, and he and Dave can’t even settle on what radio station to listen to when they drive together.

The song ends and another follows.

Blaine is surprised Dave would like Whitney Houston.

_Share my life, take me for what I am, ‘cause I’ll never change all my colors for you…_

He skips it immediately.

It’s still not fast enough to keep the ache in his heart that never really goes away from flaring.

In moments like this, Dave’s terrible musical taste is actually a blessing and Blaine revels in the awful screaming of some heavy metal band that uses the word “dark” way too much. (How do these people’s voices survive all that screaming? Blaine’s throat hurts just listening. Or maybe it’s just the sobs he’s trying to force down.)

In moments like this, he feels like he truly has nothing left in the world, because he just _had_ to go and ruin all his favorite songs singing them to (or with) Kurt.

He didn’t just lose his fiancé, or his apartment or his career or the city of his dreams, as if that wasn't enough he also had to lose his music, the one thing that has always carried him through the hard times, through heartaches and rejections and failure, his only unconditional friend.

He feels poisoned with bitterness. Why’d he have to go and give Kurt all of himself? His love and his dreams and his fears and his _music._ Why couldn’t he have kept a something for himself? Kurt certainly kept a lot. Kurt kept everything. How could he have been so stupid, so pathetic, so _needy_? So eager to put all he had on the line for him when Kurt couldn’t even wash the fucking toothpaste off his mouth before using the towel? Couldn't even let Blaine move things around the loft because apparently it’s _his_ house, not _theirs._ Couldn’t care that Blaine was missing out on school (failing some of his classes, even) to give the wedding priority. Couldn’t be bothered to go with Blaine to choose the flowers or the cake or the venue, and barely even remembered they would need special suits.

And still Blaine asking _what did I do wrong? How can I change?_ whenever Kurt shows signs of being dissatisfied. Blaine coming in from the rain with great wedding news only for Kurt to tell him that living with him is exhausting and he might end up hating him one day… and Blaine asking what he can do to make it better, Blaine begging, pleading that they can make this work. And Kurt giving up because it’s too much work, even though Blaine’s the only one who has been working to keep this thing afloat.

Just Blaine being his pathetic self, basically.

It’s a scratched old record by now, all this self-hatred, pity-party business. He’s talked it over with his therapist more times than he can count yet he still falls back on the same train of thought. He hates looking back on his time with Kurt because he hates the person he was then, but he also hates himself as he is now because he doesn’t even know _who_ he is without Kurt, and he hates that he hates himself and not Kurt for this. Never Kurt, he could never hate him.

So here you find him in his bed, sobbing silently and trying to make himself like David Karofsky and his music taste and the person Blaine is around him.

And failing miserably, but at least it’s different. At least this is a hundred miles in the opposite direction of where he was six months ago, at least now he is the one who gets doted upon, who gets all kinds of little gestures that mean the world from someone like Dave but mean next to nothing to Blaine; at least now he’s the one who gets to be closed off, cold and aloof and _distant_ because if he learned anything from Kurt Elizabeth Hummel it was that Ice Queen is the best defense method.

And he hates himself because he lost himself, and he hates himself because he doesn’t know who to be now, so he is becoming Kurt. Maybe he can hate Kurt, just a tiny little bit.

Blaine yanks the headphones off and throws the IPod away. He sits up and puts his head in his hands, takes deep breaths to keep the tears at bay.

He’s grateful Dave is having dinner with his parents and called to say he is staying the night there (and he doesn’t even mind not being invited to family dinners because he’s not ready for a father-in-law that isn’t Burt Hummel, and of course he had to lose his only real father figure in this break up too).

He’s been needing a good cry since Kurt came back to Lima, maybe he’s just being stupid, maybe if he sobs himself to sleep tonight, tomorrow he’ll go back to normal, to actually attempting to make this thing with Dave work.

Yes, crying is the only way through. He should just get it over with.

But as he’s stripping off his day clothes, he hears a car pull over in the driveway. Blaine wipes the tears from his face and panics because it will be obvious he was crying and he’s going to ask and _why couldn’t you stay away tonight, David? Can’t I have some space to myself?_  and ignores how much like Kurt he sounds.

He runs into the bathroom, trying to choose what cream he’s going to lather all over his face to cover his red cheeks… probably the one that irritates his eyes, that would explain the tears, and David will tell him to stop using that thing if it hurts but he’ll take that argument over _what is wrong why are you crying, babe?_

He’s just about to start applying it when he hears music. From outside. And why hasn’t he heard the door open? Dave should be up the stairs by now…

Could it really be that Dave is going to serenade him? He is a hopeless singer, but Blaine hasn’t been sung to in months, and surprisingly the thought brings a pleasant feeling in his chest, a fluttering in his stomach that he hasn’t felt since the first time Dave kissed him and he thought:  _maybe this is it, maybe I can really move on._

Blaine feels a smile stretch his lips as he pulls a robe over his bare chest and goes back to his room to look out the window. But then the singing starts and…

 

 

_[“I’m lying alone with my head on the phone,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JWdZEumNRmI) _   
_thinking of you till it hurts,_   
_I know you hurt too, but what else can we do?_   
_tormented and torn apart-“_

 

 

Blaine freezes.

That’s definitely not Dave’s voice.

He tears the curtains open and sure enough, there he is. Right below his window, Kurt Hummel stands with a boombox raised over his head, belting out “All Out of Love” and smiling like he deserves the world for this stupid cliché of a romantic gesture.

Blaine doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He’s probably doing both.

 

 

_“…I know you were right, believing for so long._   
_I’m all out of love, what am I without you?_   
_I can’t be too late to say that I was so wrong”_

 

 

He’s more shouting than singing but his voice is lovely and perfectly in tune and god, it’s been so long since Blaine has heard Kurt sing like this, like there’s nothing else he’d rather be doing, and it’s been so long since Kurt’s done _anything_ for him and why is he doing this?

“What are you doing? Are you crazy?” Blaine shouts down at him, trying to sound angry and not like he’s laughing with joy.

“I told you I was going to get you back!” He shouts back over the blasting music, then continues singing like he doesn’t care for Blaine’s answer. He probably doesn’t.

Blaine sighs in exasperation, running his hands through his ungelled hair. “You can’t do this, Kurt. I have a boyfriend!”

 

_“I’m reaching for you, are you feeling it too?  
Does the feeling seem oh, so right?” _

 

is his answer and Blaine wants to throw something at his head, and also go downstairs and kiss him senseless.

“No, I’m not feeling it because I’m over this, I’m over us, Kurt!”

Do all his neighbors really need to hear this? Blaine’s face burns with embarrassment.

 

_“And what would you say if I called on you know  
and said that I can’t hold on?”_

 

“I would say you should have done this months ago!” oh god, is he really playing along with this?

 

_“Please love me or I’ll be gone, I’ll be gone-”_

 

“I am not having a conversation with this song, Kurt. Please go away.” Except he doesn’t really want Kurt to stop, but he has to retain some dignity.

 

_“…what am I without you?  
 I can’t be too late to say that I was so wrong-”_

 

Kurt’s voice cracks and the track goes on without his beautiful, beautiful voice and Blaine wants to cry again because even from up here he can see Kurt’s face is splotchy and his eyes are red rimmed like he’s going to cry any moment and why does it still hurt so much to see him cry? Blaine shouldn’t care, _you broke my heart beyond repair, cancelled a wedding I’d been planning for months and shattered all my dreams with the coldest expression on your face_ … _And you think after more than six months you can come to my window with a song and ask for forgiveness?_

Wait, did he say that out loud?

“I know I have no right! I know that!” and Kurt is already crying and yes, Blaine must have said all that out loud, oh god, what will the neighbors think? What will the neighbors tell Dave? What does Kurt think of him now? Oh god oh god- “You are right! I hurt you and I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I have no right and I should let you move on!” And Kurt is shouting and shrieking and Blaine wants to tell him to stop because he’s going to damage his beautiful voice and the world _needs_ Kurt’s voice, Blaine doesn’t want a world without that voice and god, why is he doing this to Blaine?

“Then why don’t you do that!”

“Because I love you!”

And that’s the most hurtful thing Kurt can ever say to him, because it’s no use now, mocking him with this when all is over between them.

“Yeah, and we’ll get back together and in two months you’ll be calling it off _“before we end up hating each other.”_   Well guess what, Kurt?” and Blaine can’t believe he is about to say this but, “It’s too late for that, I hate you already.”

He is never going to forgive himself for the look on Kurt’s face.

So he closes the window and draws the curtains closed. The song keeps on playing for a while and Blaine can imagine Kurt slowly lowering the boombox, hands shaking and- there, the music stops.

“I know you’re hurt and I know you don’t mean that, Blaine!” yet Kurt’s voice is still shaking with tears. “I know you love me, and I know we’re meant to be, and I won’t stop until I get you back, ok?” There’s sniffing, and Blaine can picture him wiping his face with his sleeve. “You are not getting rid of me, Blaine Anderson, do you hear me?!” his voice is getting louder and Blaine is starting to worry one of the neighbors will call the police.

“Just go, Kurt!” he shouts back, “Dave is coming back any moment now!”

“I don’t care if I have to get into a fight with him. I’m not leaving until you come out and talk to me!”

Blaine knows Dave isn’t really going to show up, so he decides Kurt can very well stay outside all night for all he cares. He stops replying and goes to turn off the light of his room, hoping Kurt will get the message.

He lies down beneath the covers and tries to sleep but then:

 

 

_[“Lay a whisper on my pillow,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2C5TjS2sh4) _   
_leave the winter on the ground._   
_I wake up lonely,_   
_there's air of silence in the bedroom_   
_and all around…”_

 

Kurt’s not even pretending to sing anymore, just shouting the words and did he actually turn up the volume all the way it goes?

 

_“It must have been love, but it’s NOT over now!”_

 

God, he’s actually changing the lyrics. Kurt hates it when Blaine changes lyrics, he’s always telling Blaine how disrespectful to the author that is while Blaine argues it’s creative license, and now Kurt is changing lyrics and what does he think he’s trying to say? That he actually listens to Blaine?

Without getting up, without even really thinking about it, Blaine shouts: “Pretty woman, Kurt? Really, you are trying to get me back by calling me a hooker?” and he can hear Kurt’s barking laughter over the music and Blaine tries not to laugh because this is not funny, this is not charming, this is not Kurt remembering Pretty Woman is Blaine’s favorite Julia Robert’s movie, this is not

 

 

“ _Make-believing we're together that I'm sheltered by your heart.  
But in and outside I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm_ ”

 

 

Kurt ruining another one of his favorite songs, that’s all this is. Blaine puts a pillow over his face and tries to sleep.

The song ends, then there’s the opening chords of [“Total Eclipse of The Heart”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lcOxhH8N3Bo) and Blaine shouts “Are you kidding me?” before he can help himself, then actually starts singing along because this is _his_ break up song, not Kurt’s. Kurt doesn’t get to sing this song to him.

Kurt seems to take it as encouragement. Blaine isn’t sure that’s not what this is.

The cries of “Shut up, asshole” and “Leave him alone, he said no” and “Stop ruining that song” can already be heard from all over the apartment building and nearby houses. The police will be getting involved soon.

Halfway through the song, Blaine is so full of pent up energy that he jumps out of bed, puts on mismatched shoes and stomps out without even changing his robe for a shirt. He storms out of his apartment building and Kurt actually jumps a little, like he wasn’t really expecting Blaine to come out.

“I’m here now, can you please turn that thing off?” He shouts over the music. Kurt does and then there’s collective applause; Blaine looks up to see almost all of the lights turned on in his building, a few people actually looking out the window waiting to see how this goes.

“Show’s over now, guys! He’s leaving, please go back to bed!” He yells as politely as he can under the circumstances. There are some grumbles of disapproval and a guy actually yells “you owe us a show!” but Blaine glares at him and he closes his window. He doesn’t however, close the curtains. Blaine is pretty sure everyone is still listening even if they turned their lights off.

“You heard him, we owe them,” Kurt smiles, actually has the nerve to joke around. Blaine is most definitely not charmed.

“What do you want, Kurt?” he says tiredly, slumping and trying to convey how much he doesn’t want to have this conversation.

“I’ll tell you what I want-”

“Please don’t go all spice girls no me now.”

“I wasn’t going to, but now that you mention it, it may not be a terrible idea…” he looks like he’s really considering this so Blaine sets him back on track.

“You were saying you wanted something?”

“I do. But I need another song to say it.”

Somewhere up in the building someone actually cheers, and a couple of lights have been turned back on. Weren’t these people telling him to shut up a moment ago?

“Please don’t do this, Kurt. It’s way past midnight and I just want to sleep.”

“I promise this will be the last one,” and he looks so earnest and pleading and how could Blaine ever refuse him?

“Ok, whatever, hurry up.”

Kurt smiles that huge smile where his lips cover his teeth and he looks so young and Blaine can almost pretend they are 16 again, just falling for each other like fools.

He goes over to his car and adjusts some stuff with cables and is that a projector? Kurt opens the passenger door, pulls his laptop out and plugs it in and then there’s a picture of them dancing at junior prom projected over the front of the building. Then he walks back to the boombox and changes cassettes, god, _he actually made cassettes for this, how romantic is that?_ And hits play and-

Oh no, this song he’d recognize anywhere. He kind of feels like punching Kurt even before he starts singing.

 

 

 

_[“I walked across an empty land,](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mer6X7nOY_o) _   
_I knew the pathway like the back of my hand,_   
_I felt the earth beneath my feet,_   
_sat by the river and it made me complete…”_

 

 

It’s Lily Allen’s arrangement and it’s soft and sweet and shy and lovely in Kurt’s higher range, and Blaine is a goner from the start. Beside them, pictures and videos documenting their history fade in and out, projected over the building front and ok, maybe Kurt deserves a couple of points for this even if Blaine is still angry at him for springing this on him out of nowhere.

 

_“Oh simple thing, where have you gone?  
I’m getting tired and I need something to rely on”_

 

A video of them singing and dancing “Let It Snow” for the Christmas special, that was what, over two years ago? All it does is remind Blaine that Christmas is approaching and they won’t be having a duet this year, and dammit, Kurt really knows where to hit him.

 

_“I came across a fallen tree,_   
_I felt the branches of it looking at me,_   
_Is this the place we used to love?_   
_Is this the place that I’ve been dreaming of?”_

 

A video of them in the loft, (probably Artie was breaking in one of his new lenses) lying around in the couch, Blaine is reading a magazine, back against Kurt’s chest as Kurt reads over his shoulder. Them cooking together, dancing around, arguing over the noise of Blaine’s smoothie machine.

 

_“So tell me when you’re gonna let me in?  
I’m getting old and I need somewhere to begin”_

 

“I thought we were too young,” Blaine whispers so his voice doesn’t break. Kurt has tears in his eyes but he smiles and shakes his head, continues singing.

 

_“And if you have a minute why don’t we go,_   
_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_   
_This could be the end of everything,_   
_So why don’t we go…”_

 

And all over the front of the building there’s just this montage of him and Kurt walking around laughing, holding hands, in New York, at McKinley, at the loft, in the choir room, when did Artie even film all of this? How did they not notice they were being filmed? How could they have ever looked so happy when all Blaine remembers is pain and insecurity and resentment?

 

_“Oh simple thing, where have you gone?_   
_I’m getting old and I need someone to rely on_   
_So tell me when you’re gonna let me in?_   
_I’m getting tired and I need somewhere to begin”_

Who does Kurt think he is? This isn’t Rent, for god’s sake, nor any other musical, this is real life, people don’t do this in real life, why is he doing this when Blaine is almost over him? When Blaine has finally accepted him and Kurt are toxic together and he needs to love himself more and

 

_“And if you have a minute why don’t we go,_   
_Talk about it somewhere only we know?_   
_This could be the end of everything…”_

 

Kurt’s voice cracks and he stops to sniff and wipe tears off his face. _“So why don’t we go, somewhere only we know?”_   is barely above a whisper and more spoken than sung, and Blaine knows he stands no chance.

The videos stop, the last frame being them sitting side by side outside Blaine’s apartment in New York, before he moved back in with Kurt and everything went to hell, the day Kurt told him trust is a choice and that he chose to trust him.

Blaine looks down at his shoes, one black, one brown. He isn’t wearing a shirt under his robe and these yoga pants are threadbare and it’s fucking _cold._ He decides he doesn’t mind.

“So where do you want to go?”

Before he knows it, he has an armful of Kurt and he can hear his neighbors clapping. Maybe life _can_ be a musical, if someone who loves you is willing to make it into one.

“This is where you tell me you’re never saying goodbye to me,” Kurt whispers against his shoulder.

“I never said goodbye, you did. You broke that promise, Kurt.”

“I know. Still, I’m never again saying goodbye to you, ever,” he pulls away to look Blaine in the eyes. “You once asked me to believe you would never cheat on me again, and I did. Now it’s your turn to believe me.”

Blaine looks at anything but Kurt, blinks back tears and tries to imagine it. Believing Kurt.

“I don’t know, Kurt.”

Kurt bites his lips together, nods in that determined way of his that got him into Vogue.com and NYADA and Blaine’s heart. “But you said you’ll come, and we’re going to talk. And I’m going to _make_ you believe me.”

Blaine can never refuse him anything.

 

 


	2. Not like the movies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea for where Kurt takes Blaine to talk is completely ripped off of the fic [Somewhere only we know](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3229595) that you should definitely go and read too.
> 
> Surprisngly, there wasn't as much singing as I intended in this chapter, but oh well.
> 
> Oh, and i don't have a beta so there must be typos all over the place and for that i apologize.

“Oh my god, I feel like Anne Hathaway in The Princess Diaries 2. I can’t believe I’m going off on a midnight picnic with another man while my boyfriend isn’t home.”

“Hmm, I didn’t know you and Karofsky were getting married in a matter of days to make you King of Genovia, but thanks for comparing me to Chris Pine.”

Blaine actually laughs at that even though weddings are still a sore spot for him.

“Well, sir, if you weren’t trying to take away my throne I wouldn’t have to marry him at all,” he says in his best British accent even though it doesn’t make sense because Mia was from San Francisco and she didn’t speak like that - But Kurt is barely containing his laughter and Blaine is just so  _happy_  that he can still make him laugh, that Kurt still enjoys his company, so who cares?

They continue driving in comfortable silence after Kurt admits he can’t come up with a funnier reply so Blaine wins this round, and somehow Blaine is just sitting in Kurt’s passenger seat smiling like an idiot, like nothing ever went wrong between them.

He even tries to remind himself of all the times Kurt went ‘hmm’ and blatantly ignored his jokes during their last weeks together, but it seems like a lie, a memory so incongruent with this Kurt sitting next to him right now, smiling and still occasionally giggling, that Blaine can’t bring himself to believe that Kurt was ever real.

And that’s where this situation gets dangerous. Blaine will always believe this Kurt,  _his_  Kurt, the one that sings along with him and dances around with him and laughs and smiles and  _talks to him,_  is who Kurt truly is inside, and that whenever he becomes cold and distant that’s just… Who knows? Kurt protecting himself? Blaine has no idea  _what_  it is, but he’s always had absolute faith that it’s just a mask, just something to shield himself, except Blaine can’t for the love of God figure out  _why_  Kurt ever needs to put up that shield around Blaine.

So maybe Blaine is wrong, and it hurts so much to think of it but reason leaves no other answer. Maybe cold and aloof and distant is who Kurt really is. Maybe this openness, this laughter and his warm smile and the way he looks at Blaine like the meaning of life is there in his face, maybe that’s the mask, maybe that’s just the way he knows he can get Blaine back, and he knows to keep it up just long enough till Blaine is eating out of the palm of his hand, and then he can drop it because stupid Blaine loves him and will bear the weight of their relationship all by himself, just as long as Kurt gives him scraps of love and attention here and there.

It’s a nightmare, that thought. It makes him feel sick but Blaine hasn’t been able to get it out of his head for months, because that seems to have been the pattern of their relationship since the very beginning.

Back when Blaine was still oblivious of his feelings, Kurt used to pine (a little too obviously) after him, and it was sweet to have that kind of attention, because Kurt’s crushes are nothing to be sneezed at, the boy is good at loving from afar.

But then Blaine kissed him and they became a couple… and two weeks later Kurt is choosing Show Choir competition over him and… well, that hurt. He understood alright, didn’t try to stop him. But Blaine can’t help feeling that was the beginning of their downfall. Can’t help feeling he should have known right then something it took him 4 years, two break-ups and a cancelled wedding to understand:

Kurt is always going to choose his dreams over Blaine.

Blaine used to think it wasn’t a matter of  _choosing,_  not really, if they both had the same dreams. It seemed easy for Blaine, to follow wherever Kurt led because… well, weren’t they headed in the same direction anyway?

So it hadn’t felt like  _choosing_  when he transferred to McKinley to be with Kurt on his senior year, because he had to do High School anyway so why not do it with him?, even though he knew he’d have to spend a whole year there  _without_  Kurt later, but wasn’t that all the more reason to do it?

It hadn’t felt like choosing when he started making plans to go to New York and study at NYADA so he could be with Kurt, because hadn’t he always wanted to be a performer? Does it really matter he never exactly wanted to be a Broadway performer, so long as he gets to be with Kurt  _and_  perform? It had seemed to Blaine like a very sound compromise.

It hadn’t felt like choosing until June Dolloway told him Kurt couldn’t perform with him, and that Blaine should break off his engagement because  _he’s only going to drag you down_  (and oh, wasn’t she just right?) and even then, Blaine insisted it wasn’t a matter of choosing, that he could have both things - and even if he couldn’t, the thought of not choosing Kurt never crossed his mind.

And for a brief moment on that stage, with Kurt surprised but so happy to be included, with them singing together like they were destined to do this since the creation of the universe and until the end of time, shutting up June Dolloway’s trap, it  _had_  been true that he could have the two things he loved most in the world at the same tame.

Then Kurt broke up with him. And then Blaine was so depressed he failed out of college and had to return home with his head bowed down, while Kurt still had his dreams and Blaine had nothing.

(and hadn’t Kurt sung “I have nothing” to him once? It seems so ironic, now, that Kurt ever thought he was the one who’d be left with nothing if they were apart. Silly, perfect, beautiful Kurt with the world at his feet.)

So maybe that’s the secret road to success, keeping everyone at a distance and choosing your career over your lover, and Kurt has it all figured out because it’s damn well working for him.

Well, good to know, Blaine guesses. Maybe he should’ve been taking notes.

“Why so serious? No, don’t get down on me, we’re almost there,” Kurt says out of nowhere, his voice soft and gentle like he’s talking to an injured animal and Blaine has to grind his teeth not to snap something ugly at him.

He manages a small smile so Kurt will return his attention to the road and leave him alone.

Having figured all of the previous out, there’s still one question to answer. If Kurt’s career is the most important thing to him, and Blaine is only getting in his way because he’s clingy and needy and time consuming (like a fucking hamster Kurt is annoyed he has to feed and clean his cage and maybe spend some time with - where are all these bitter thoughts even coming from? Blaine didn’t know he had all this resentment bottled up), then why does he even  _bother_  trying to get Blaine back at all?

The answer is simple: Kurt just likes the chase. He wants Blaine because he doesn’t have him, because he’s not the center of his universe anymore (he always, always is, no matter what, but Kurt should never know that), because he has to prove to himself that he can still win Blaine over no matter what. This is just Cat and Mouse, except it’s going to drag on and on if Blaine lets it, because if he goes back to Kurt, it’s only a matter of time before Kurt gets bored with him and breaks his heart all over again just to have a new challenge.

Blaine rubs his hands over his face and breathes deeply, counts to ten. Remembers what his therapist told him when he ranted all of this in their last session:  _This behavior you’re describing is that of a sociopath, Blaine. Do you really believe Kurt is a sociopath?_

And Blaine had said, well,  _of course not!_  A sociopath wouldn’t put up with Rachel Berry as a roommate. A sociopath wouldn’t step in to defend a complete stranger and get beat up himself. A sociopath wouldn’t decorate the casket of a dead bird and hold a funeral for it, for god’s sake.

Blaine knows all of this. It’s just easier to think Kurt is heartless and likes toying with Blaine, than to think Kurt is a considerate, compassionate human being whom Blaine just isn’t good enough for. They both hurt, but at least the former doesn’t have him hating himself and trying to figure out what he did wrong.

“Look, can you please not tear your brain apart overthinking this?” Kurt insists, and Blaine tries to pretend he didn’t just jump a little in his seat. “Just hear me out, you don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to, or if you think you might say the wrong thing. I want you back, but I don’t want you worrying endlessly over this. I don’t expect anything from you tonight, I know it’s too soon, I know you’ll need time to think over the things I’m going to say, and I want you to make the decision that is best for  _you..._  and if that decision is not the best one for me, well…” Kurt goes silent for a moment, and Blaine can see all his masks fall into place. “Then I guess I’ll just have to live with it…”

Blaine is almost disappointed, because hasn’t Kurt learned anything? Hasn’t he learned this isn’t what Blaine wants from him? To sound so disinterested with the outcome of tonight, with whether or not he’ll get Blaine back, like he doesn’t  _care_  either way, and why does he think that is helping his case?

Blaine just leans back and puffs out a loud breath. He’s not going to tell Kurt what to do to get him back, he doesn’t even  _want_  to be gotten back, so whatever.

“So where exactly  _is_  this somewhere only we know?” He asks after a while, trying for aloof and disinterested, but failing miserably if Kurt’s smile is any indication.

“You’ll know it when you see it.”

 

 

 

 

\--------

 

 

 

They pull over at Dalton Academy.

“Kurt, I don’t think is this is a place only we know of…”

“That’s because this is not our place, but this is as far as we can get by car.”

“Wait, you want us to walk around in the middle of the night? What if we get lost or mugged or-”

“Blaine, this is the most secure neighborhood of Westerville, and as for getting lost, well, don’t you remember the song?”

“What?”

“ _I knew the pathway like the back of my hand?_  Come on, you’ll know what I’m talking about in a moment. Now come help me with the basket, I’ll carry the boombox. _”_

“I thought you said there wouldn’t be any more songs?”

“Well, I guess I lied.”

 

 

 

 

\--------

 

 

 

“Pavarotti’s grave?” Blaine gasps when he spots the bare tree over the distance, beckoning them as if it glowed in the dark.

“Yep,” and the smile in Kurt’s face is way too big for someone who is visiting a grave.

They continue in silence, the darkness around them feeling almost sacred, the stillness something not be disturbed.

It's also creeping Blaine out a little, if he's honest. He thinks about reaching for Kurt's hand.  _Just so I won't fall behind or get lost,_ he tells himself. He starts to, then aborts the mission and just burrows further into his coat (he's so grateful he bothered going back up the stairs and changing before they left, otherwise this would be unbearable. 

When they reach their destination, Kurt sets down the boombox and reaches inside the basket Blaine is still holding. He takes out a blanket and lays it down under the tree, smooths it out here and there until he's satisfied, then presents it to Blaine like it's a throne or something equally magnificent. Blaine forces himself to think the gesture is stupid and doesn't make him feel like he's in The Princess Diaries.

 

_This is not a movie, things don't just work out because he has a romantic gesture with you._

 

Blaine sits down on one corner with his back against the tree, as nonchalant as if this was their table at the Lima Bean. Kurt is not discouraged by this. He sits down across from Blaine and crosses his legs like a pretzel and how can he do that in those pants? It would probably be distracting if Blaine could actually  _see_  Kurt's legs in the dark.

"I still visit this place every year, you know?" Kurt says casually, like they don't have more important things to talk about. "You probably think it's stupid, but I owe this bird so much." Blaine wants to tell him to  _please_ don't go there because he has a pretty good idea what's coming. "He brought us together," there's a smile in his voice, and probably tears in his eyes. "How heroic of him to die for our love."

Blaine can't help laughing at the serious tone in Kurt's voice. "Are you really trying to guilt-trip me into getting back together with you because Pavarotti gave his life for it?"

Kurt snorts, goes "ok, ok" under his breath while holding in his laughter. "I didn't realize how awful it would sound, I promise that was not where I was going."

Blaine has no answer for that, so they let the silence settle around them.

 _What am I even doing here?_  he keeps thinking,  _I should just tell Kurt to take me back home._

Kurt heaves out a breath. "Wow, this is even harder than I thought, my therapist told me to just  _tell_  you everything, but I don't even know where to start."

"Start with answering this: Why do you even want me back? Is it because you're lonely? or is it because you can't let David Karofsky win over you? or-"

"Ok, just so we're clear: I've been wanting you back long before I even knew you were dating him, so don't you dare think he has anything to do with this." 

"But he has everything to do with this, Kurt. He's my boyfriend, we're starting a life together. It may not be the same life I was hoping for with you, but it's still a good life, ok? It's a new beginning and it's exciting,  _I'm_  excited. Don't think you can just take him out of the equation because you don't think he fits with me or that I don't feel anything for him. Because I do, Kurt."

"Yeah, but for how long, Blaine?"

Blaine scoffs as hard as he can, yet he still doesn't feel it conveyed how offended he is. "Excuse me, but I'm not the one who broke things off, I'm not the one who walked out on a four year relationship-"

"Three, Blaine. We were broken up for almost a year."

"Whatever, even during that time, we still made plans together, didn't we? we still went ice skating and had sex on valentine's day and planned on me moving in with you and Rachel, we were still best friends- what I'm saying is that I always fought for us, ok? I was always giving it my all to make it work, you were the one who didn't want to make an effort. If that doesn't tell you anything about who I am, then you weren't really paying attention. What makes you think I won't be giving it my all with Dave, too? What makes you think I don't want this relationship to work?"

"Because you love  _me_!" Kurt cries out. "Because you always believed above all things that we were soulmates and that we were meant to be!"

"Well, maybe I don't anymore!"

He can't quite see Kurt's face in the dark, but he doesn't need to. He knows the look in Kurt's face from the inside and out, because it must be the same one Blaine had when Kurt said he didn't want to marry him. Somehow, making Kurt feel his pain isn't as satisfying as the thought of it had been.

"Look, I didn't-"

"No, you have every right. I earned myself this, I made you lose your faith in us. I understand." 

Blaine is seconds away from punching the ground and screaming like a madman, because he's so  _done_  with Kurt doing this, with Kurt being mature and cold-headed and  _distant,_  always, always so fucking  _distant,_  just when they are about to have a breakthrough here.

“All I was trying to say is, we both now Karofsky isn’t the man you’re going to marry and have kids with, he isn’t the one you’re going to share the rest of your life with.”

“What if he is?” Blaine is just being stubborn, because he knows Kurt is right. There is no future with Dave, Blaine can hardly believe they have even lasted this long. Kurt raises an eyebrow because he knows him, can practically read Blaine’s thoughts on his face. “And even so, what are you trying to say? That  _you_  are the one I’m going to do all those things with?”

Kurt bites his lip and looks thoughtful for a moment. “I’m saying I want to be,” he says quietly, picking at fluff that is not really there and looking almost ashamed. “I’m saying I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m willing to fight for that privilege anyway.”

Blaine looks up at the stars and asks whoever is up there how the  _hell_  he is supposed to respond to that.

The silence stretches on and on, and at first Blaine thinks Kurt might be crying but his breathing is only slightly heavier, like when he's trying not to. Blaine wants to soothe him as much as he wants to punch himself for knowing Kurt's fucking  _breathing patterns_  better than his own.

"We'll just agree to disagree, then?" Kurt whispers, but he seems to get himself together a moment after. "Anyway, it's not because of Karofsky. And it's not because I'm lonely..." He trails off, Blaine can see his profile, his face turned up to the sky as if conferring with the stars on what he should say next. "I was lonely, so lonely before I met you. I was only just getting by... And then you, you were so..."

There's a soft rustle as Kurt rearranges himself on the blanket, pulling his legs to the side and sitting up straighter. He runs a hand over his face which is red even though he hasn't cried yet (when did Blaine's eyes adjust so well to the darkness?) and then sighs, that old familiar exasperation that haunts Blaine's nightmares showing through.

"You were so  _perfect_  for me. It was like one of those customizable characters in video games had come to life, and then you actually  _fell in love with me_ , and it was just... ugh," he's now pulling at his hair, which he only does in situations of extreme irritation, and Blaine is feeling dizzy from the mixed signals he's getting here, getting somewhat misty eyed over the familiar pain of Kurt saying beautiful things in that horribly exasperated, almost cruel tone.

He wished he had the courage ( _ha fucking ha,_  his younger self seems to laugh at him) to say this to Kurt, to tell him how much his tone matters when he says these things, how much this  _isn't_  working and is obviously never going to work, but as always he keeps it in, laps up the words and tries to disassociate them from the tone because he  _wants_  to believe.

"You made me  _see_  just how lonely I truly was, how pointless my life had been. And if I'm honest, I... I kind of always hated you, just a little bit, for that."

Blaine isn't sure what hurts more, the words themselves or the apologetic, timid tone they are said in. Warm, almost. Kurt and his fucking mixed signals.

"Is this what you brought me here for? To tell me you hate me?" he doesn't think he managed to hide the lump in his throat but then again, he never has been able to retain his dignity around Kurt.

"No! Oh God, no! I don't hate you, I love you, I- fuck, I'm doing this all wrong, please let me start over."

He's reaching out as if he wants to stop Blaine from leaving, even though Blaine hasn't made a single move to get up at all, and can't really leave anyway because Kurt drove him here.

"Well, then start over, but for God's sake, Kurt, I'm starting to think whatever you want to say is not actually going to be much better than that."

"Please, just hear me out. I'm a mess and I know I hurt you and I know I'm screwing up further and that's exactly my point here, ok? You do this to me,  _you_  make me like this."

"Oh, so now it's my fault you can't talk to me without breaking my heart?"

"No! Please, just, just stop talking. You were always complaining I never talked to you, so let me actually talk for once!"

Blaine crosses his arms and tries to hold himself together, because he really is about to let out the loudest sob in history and he's so done, so done with always humiliating himself like this in front of Kurt.

"Okay, then. Talk," he says tightly, and turns to stare off into the darkness of the woods.

"I love you," is the only thing Kurt says, voice high and pleading and it's the first time in so long that Blaine can actually believe it. He can tell by Kurt's breathing that he's still composing himself, so he just waits it out in silence because he doesn't want to be told  _again_  how nosey and intrusive he is and to just  _shut up for once, Blaine._

In fact, he may very well just refuse to speak at all for the rest of the night, may refuse to speak  _to Kurt_  for the rest of his life. 

"I don't hate you, I phrased that wrong, ok?" Is obviously the first issue he's addressing, as if the harm wasn't already done. "I hate that you made my life so much better, so incredible, so everything I ever wanted, that now I can't go back to being alone. I hate that I can't live without you. I hate that you made my dreams come true. I hate that my happiness depends so entirely on you. Because for so long I was so alone, Blaine. So alone. And I had to learn to live like that, I had to learn to rely only on myself for everything, for my dreams and my happiness and my reason to go on. And I was fucking  _good_  at it, ok? I had a fabulous south Hampton mansion of a fortress against the world, you know?"

That actually draws a laugh out of Blaine, and he can't even bother trying to cover it up.

"And then you came along... You burned it to the ground, and I  _let_  you. I thought I would never need it again."

Blaine is pretty sure this is the part where Kurt veers off into blaming Blaine for everything again. He holds himself tighter to keep from intervening.

"But then, after our honeymoon phase had passed - I think that was our first summer together, before you transferred to McKinley, when we were just Harry and Sally, just... Kurt and Blaine, just the happy ever after that the movies show you - as that faded away, as we actually started being honest with each other about the things we didn't like about our relationship, whenever we had a disagreement... I would tell myself how stupid I had been, tearing down any protection, any shelter, and I would start laying the bricks for a new wall, just in case. I would tell myself it was still worth it to let you in, but I needed something to protect myself  _just in case._

"And I guess that wall just grew and grew over the years until I couldn't see you on the other side anymore. Until I told myself,  _what is the point?_  I thought,  _I'm back to where it started._  I thought  _It didn't work out and now it's time to go back to being alone._ "

Kurt laughs, then, a self-deprecating, cruel sound that would probably hurt Blaine less if it was actually aimed at him, that's how much he can't stand Kurt suffering.

"And I was stupid enough to believe I would be better off like that. Going back to being alone and closed off to the world, because I already kind of was, you know? You told me so yourself. I thought, feeling alone without you would be better than feeling alone  _with_  you, but I was so wrong, so unbelievably wrong. Because it wasn't the same alone as I was before, before you I was just lonely but after having you for so long... I'm not lonely without you, Blaine. I'm simply dead inside."

"Don't say that, Kurt, don't-" he can't help himself, he reaches over and lays his hands over Kurt's, squeezes them the way he wants so badly to squeeze all of Kurt against his chest and never let him go.

"It's the truth, Blaine, I- ok, would you hate me too much if I tried to say this with another song?"

Blaine can't believe he can laugh and cry so much in such a small period of time. "I could never hate you," he says and hopes Kurt understands this, that no matter how much he hurts Blaine, Blaine will never, ever stop feeling this burning  _ache_  for Kurt.

"I don't have a cassette for this, I just thought of it and-"

"It's okay, I don't care about that, just..." and Blaine is breathless with expectation, because he's learned more about Kurt in this half-hour than in four years he's known him and he can't wait to learn  _more,_  so much more.

"Okay, I... I just...  _Somebody crowd me with love, somebody force me to care, somebody let me come through, I'll always be there, as frightened as you, to help us survive..."_  He trails off, then, cracked voice fading into the night, and Blaine can't help thinking of a song of his own for this moment. Can't help thinking of Kurt dressed all in black, with tears on his face and  _take these broken wings and learn to fly, all your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise..._

And he's as lost to it now as he was back then.

"God, Kurt, you really knew what you were doing bringing me here, didn't you?" It's a week attempt at lightening up the mood that Kurt completely ignores.

"You're the only one that makes me alive, Blaine."

It takes every ounce of self-respect (that he's been working so hard to find again, yet it seems to just bleed out of him whenever Kurt is near him) in Blaine not to give in and kiss him, just hold him and stop being stupid because who is Blaine even kidding? He's crazy for this boy in front of him, crying and looking at him like he's the center of the universe and why can't Kurt always be this open with him? 

"Kurt," he pleads, though he isn't sure what he's pleading  _for_.

"You don't have to say anything, remember?" Kurt's thumbs are feather light on Blaine's skin as he wipes the tears away, comforting him like he knows how confused andhopeful and scared Blaine is, and Blaine realizes that he  _does_ , because nobody knows him as well as Kurt does. Kurt who is his soulmate, Kurt who he knows he is going to spend the rest of his life with even if it's just doing this stupid dance of  _should we, should we not_.

"Can you take me home, now?" It's the last thing Blaine wants, but he knows that if they stay here, alone and together, under the cover of night, then the light of morning will find them tangled up in each other, rushing down the same path to making the same mistakes because they are so fucking hungry for each other they can't stay apart long enough to actually work out their issues.

"Are you sure? Don't you want to stay and live out your  _Princess Diaries_  fantasy?" And the smile in Kurt's face now is so big and with just the right amount of flirt in it and how can Blaine ever say no to that?

"Can we do that?" God, someone please stop him. "Can we just... stay out here and pretend we're not us? Can we just..." He should really stop talking now. "Can we just  _be_  together and forget everything else?"

"We can, if you can say it with a song," this is  _his_  Kurt, the one that goofs around and smiles that toothless smile that makes Blaine heart feel all funny.

"What song? My mind isn't as quick as yours when it comes to thinking of songs that apply to certain moments."

Kurt gives him that eyebrow raise that makes Blaine wonder how Kurt isn't a real life cartoon character. "Says the guy who's been serenading me non-stop for the last four years."

"Yeah, but I was always planning it beforehand. Can't you just give me a hint?"

"Oh, so we're playing 'heads up' now? Ok, remember this song that you were so obsessed with - you were so excited when it came on the radio that you didn't even sing it, you just shouted it at the top your lungs and I had to ban you from ever singing it in public?"

 

" _If I lay heeeeeeeeeeere,_ "

 

"Yeah, but don't shout it, Blaine, I told you to sing it,"

 

" _If I just laaaaaaay here,_ "

 

"Shut up, someone could hear us and this is still private property-"

 

" _Would you lie with me and just forget the wooooorld-_ "

 

"Yeah, ok, that's enough." Kurt is now massaging his temples and wincing but Blaine can see the smile underneath it all. "Why did I think handing over impromptu serenading duties to you would be a good idea?"

"Because I've been doing it for four years."

And Blaine finds his heart doesn't hurt anymore, or at least not right now, at the mention of that time.

"Yes, well, that only proves it was high time I took over. So with your permission, Prince Blaine, I will now turn on the radio. There just  _has_  to be an oldies station that plays  _Love Me Tender_  at this hour."

Turns out, after a lot of fiddling around, that the only oldies station seems to be having a Bee Gees special, so they have to settle for goofy disco dancing and twirling and dipping like they used to in Glee club, instead of pressing close together and swaying to a soft crooning voice in the background, which is probably for the best but it's still a bit of a disappointment. 

They eat Fettuccine Alfredo from Breadstix and drink wine (actual wine that Kurt bought just for this, did they ever drink wine when they were actually dating?) and Kurt apologizes for not bringing candles, but with all the nature around them it was a fire hazard and he didn't want to ruin their date by accidentally burning down Dalton Academy (and Blaine is so caught up in the moment he forgets to correct him about they're dating status.) 

And after all that, Blaine doesn't even hesitate before curling up and around Kurt like a grapevine, as they stargaze the night away.

 

 

 

 


End file.
